We made plans to grab sushi on Monday night, and we actually both showed up. I didn't think that being cuter in person was a thing, but his profile pictures honestly did not do him justice. I'm always hearing catfish horror stories, so I was shocked to walk in on a tall, handsome, relatively normal-looking man. My ex-boyfriend recently went on a date with a woman who was about 300 pounds heavier than she was in her profile pictures. I assumed that was kind of just the way things worked. Conversation was a bit forced, and he kept filling short breaks in dialogue with, "So, uh, yeahhhhh..." I wanted to grab him by the broad shoulders, shake him violently, and scream, "You are contributing to and exacerbating the awkwardness! Fucking quit! Fucking quit you lunatic!" But instead, I kindly cringed through the conversation, hoping that he'd let up on the spine-chilling "yeaaaaahhhhhhh's" after he finished his signature cocktail. No such luck.
I offered to split the bill because this is 2019 and everyone is poor. He immediately suggested we make another stop, and I kind of wanted to stay close to home, so we accidentally settled on Maverick's. (We were going to check out a different spot, but it looked like an absolute shithole. Like the kind of place where yellowed old women drag their ventilators into the video lottery room and patiently wait to die.) This was my first time at Maverick's, and probably my last. If you're going on a date on a Monday, try to avoid Maverick's. Monday-night Maverick's is slightly heartbreaking. He ordered an IPA (of course he fucking did), and we traded more stereotypical 'getting-to-know-you' shit. He likes building things and playing video games and watching Netflix, which is all very unique and fascinating.
In any case, the conversation improved a bit, and we finally settled into completely being ourselves. The conversation continued to improve, and eventually I invited him over to 'play a board game'. I meant this literally, although - in retrospect - it sounds like code for "come bone me in my bed, you beautiful stranger". We played a board game with my roommate and had a lot of fun. Like actual, PG-13 fun. It was a wonderful surprise all around, although I was disappointed that I didn't really want to rag on him at all. I mean, the whole point of this damn thing is to exploit and pick apart scumbags and sleaze balls, right? Make fun of others (and myself) for being predictable and stupid. Holy shit... what if everyone was just as decent and likable? What if Bend is full of well-rounded, authentic human beings, all looking for a good time and a genuine connection? Oh, no. No, no. This will never do.
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